If you followed Permed to Natural in 2011 and 2012, when I relocated to New Mexico from New York, you already know that I met my husband five months after moving at age 45, and married for the first time at age 46.
You may also know that before I got engaged I mentioned people telling me I had a better chance at getting struck by lightning than walking down the aisle. A childhood friend said, “You’re getting married? Well, by now I thought you would have given up on marriage – ain’t you like 50?”
All of the naysayers were shut down when I jumped the broom on a vortex with a full moon surrounded by the majestic red rock mountains of Sedona, Arizona. Since then my wedding story was featured in Essence magazine three times – twice on Essence.com and once in their February 2013 issue.
Because of my personal relationship story I am always interested in highlighting first-time brides over 40 and what they experienced while getting to “I Do.” With that said, it brings me to a new book I received titled, IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO MARRY: How to Have the Man and the Marriage of Your Dreams by certified hypnotherapist, Virginia Clark who met her husband in her mid 40s and married for the first time at age 53.
Virginia has more experience with men than she cares to admit. She was an attractive blond in her 20’s who dated plenty of men but never encountered Mr. Right. It took her more than 20 years and many disastrous relationships to finally meet him. Some of the errors she acknowledges along the way included begging a man to marry her just for him to say, “No!” Staying too long with men who were arrogant, cruel, addicted or kinky and paying too much money to psychics or astrologers to find out if “he is the one.”
Her years of struggle and desperation as a single woman gave her a unique insight into what it takes to find the right person and create the marriage of your dreams. “When I was single I was afraid that I would die alone,” Virginia confessed. “I felt incapable of inspiring a man to marry me. I bounced from one relationship to another feeling more and more discouraged. I questioned if I was good enough to attract the kind of man I wanted. I was afraid that whatever man I was with was my last chance and I clung to him even when it was obvious he didn’t love me. It took me a while but I figured out it doesn’t have to be that way.”
In Virginia’s new book she shares what she went through and what she learned along the way and is willing to chat with Permed to Natural about steps women can take to find the man and marriage they always wanted.
After experiencing several horrible relationships how did you take matters into your own hands and mindfully address what was keeping you from meeting the man of your dreams?
I finally realized that the one common denominator in all my horrible relationships was me! When I got that, I finally realized I had to take responsibility for what I was experiencing. I had no choice but to work on myself and change the way I was showing up in my relationships.
What do you think are some dating mistakes you made along the way to meeting your husband?
One of my biggest mistakes I made was being a coward in love. I didn’t speak up for myself and tell a man X what I wanted or needed. I was so afraid that he would leave me if I made “demands.” Because of this I put up with a lot of bad behavior. I let one of my boyfriends (Mr. Kinky in Chapter 3 of my book) lead me into some very demeaning sexual acts that I really didn’t enjoy. Not only that, one time when he had his hands around my throat asking me how ‘alive’ I felt. I really didn’t know if he would kill me at that moment. I thought I loved him and I had let things progress because I wanted to please him. I was afraid if I didn’t do what he wanted he would leave me.
Some women are doormats and some are assertive. Do you think men are interested in marrying women who possess quite personalities or women who are more self-assured?
There is no one kind of woman or man. Of course, being a doormat is not a good thing; that’s what I was with Mr. Kinky. The key is to be your authentic self and you will meet a man who is the perfect match for you. We’re all different and often we’ll be surprised by the person we end up falling in love with and marrying. It’s been found that 75% of married women say their husbands were not their “type” when they met them.
Do you think men become intimidated and flee when women are open and courageous? If so, why do you think this happens? If not, please explain the attraction.
Some men will be intimidated, but that doesn’t mean you should change who you are to avoid this. You want a man who appreciates your openness and courage. If a man can’t deal with that, he’s not your match.
Is it important for women to know how to cook and keep a clean home in order to marry?
No, of course not. If you don’t like to cook and clean you’re not a good fit with a man who expects you to do these things. It’s important to be honest from the beginning and not pretend to like doing things you don’t.
What are some valuable exercises you provide in your book that can help women find and marry their perfect partner?
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to write a ruthlessly honest relationship history. This includes all the important men in your life, why you were attracted to them and what happened that ended the relationship. By doing this you start to see your “patterns.” This tool alone can give you the insight you need to not repeat your mistakes.
How did you meet your husband?
I met him though a match-making service in Los Angeles. I paid $3000 (I had to borrow half the money from my mother) for 8 matches, meaning 8 dates. There were no pictures or profiles, my matchmaker simply put me together with the men. I had 6 dates that never led to a second (very discouraging), but my husband was my lucky #7.
In your book you mentioned that your husband was “marriage phobic.” If getting married was something you “needed,” why did you date a man who had no desire to marry?
I didn’t know how “marriage phobic” he was in the beginning. By the time I found out I already felt he was “the one.” I hung in there because I knew he was worth it, but if he hadn’t come around to the idea of marrying me I would have walked away, no question.
This is a bigger question than I can answer here. The story is in the book and to put it in a few sentences would leave out important parts of my journey and not do it justice. I can say that I’ve been married for 12 wonderful years and my husband was so worth the wait.
Where can we find you on the worldwide web?
I have a website www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com where you can find over 160 articles on how to have successful relationships. You can also apply for a complimentary Attract the Love of Your Life Breakthrough Session with me there.
Where can we purchase a copy of your book?
At my website: www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com or on Amazon
What do you want Permed to Natural readers who are single and single over 40 to take with them after reading IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO MARRY?
Hopefully, they’ll recognize themselves in the mistakes I made looking for love, then apply the 6 essential steps I share so they too can have the man and the marriage of their dreams.